When it comes to being a single mom, there is no one thing more time consuming than cleaning. I for one hate washing dishes. If I ever win the lottery, I may hire a dishwasher. Yes, I said hire, because I don't trust mechanical dishwashers to get into the nooks and crannies. There is nothing more gross than putting a fork in your mouth and feeling something dried on that you ate the day before.
Keeping a clean home is not just for vanity sake. It is for both safety and health as well. A clean home means that your kids and you are less likely to fall and get hurt on something that is misplaced in the middle of the floor.
Keeping a clean home also means that the germs that enter the house through various ways don't stay for long.
Here are tttt steps to a clean home
1. Set laundry day for a specific day of the week and stick to it. Wash a load. Dry a load and repeat. Fold and hang your family's clothing IMMEDIATELY to avoid the clothing monster in the corner. I know you know what I'm talking about.
2. Make a calendar while you're at it and schedule a major cleaning for each area of your home. For example, livingroom and dining room on Tuesdays. Bathrooms and bedrooms on Saturdays. Schedule it according to the size and amount of cleaning you will need for your family.
3. Get the kids involved. Establish a no toys in the livingroom rule, unless you have no other choice. If that is the case then vanquish the toys to a specific area of the livingroom. Make the kids responsible for their mess.
4. Lead by example. If your bedroom floor is covered by clothes, dishes, and nastiness, don't expect the kids rooms to look like a catalog. Keep your area neat.
5. Train them up NOW. Teach your kids the rule so that they become second nature. How many of you saw the Karate Kid movie with Jaden Smith? His first lesson was hanging up his jacket. That was his lesson because his teacher recognized that at home he threw his jacket on the floor. Eventually Jaden's character came home and began to automatically hang his jacket rather than tossing it in the floor.
I've noticed that when my home is at it's cleanest, that my kids behavior is at its best. Maybe its in my head, but it is true. Think about it, kids need and thrive on routine and predictability. Cleaniless falls into line with that sentiment.
Happy Cleaning!
Raising kids, one parent at a time.
Peoplestring
So, I am at it again. I have signed up for a new website that has been growing recently. It pays you for referrals, clicking ads, and other things. This is an experiment in my patience. As a single mother in this economy I believe it is wise to have multiple streams of income because you never know when an emergency will arise and you need extra money or when your job may be phased out.
Would you like to try this with me? Lets see if we can make money together since we are singlemomstogether. Join my string by clicking HERE and signing up. If you make money, please come back and share your excitement.
Would you like to try this with me? Lets see if we can make money together since we are singlemomstogether. Join my string by clicking HERE and signing up. If you make money, please come back and share your excitement.
Workout at home
So you've gained a few pounds or better yet, you're sticking to the "baby weight" story. If you're like me, you can barely find time during the day for a sit down meal, let alone time for the gym or walking a track somewhere. What's a girl to do?
I have a suggestion. Work out at home. Yeah, I'm sure you're thinking, who does this lady think she is. Home workouts aren't new. Well, maybe not the home workouts that you are use to. But the types of ways you can work out at home are endless. They are only limited by your imagination.
The way I am suggesting that you work out at home, incorporates things you do anyway, but with a kick. Here are some examples to kick start your imagination on ways that you can get a workout at home.
Add ankle and/or wrist weights while you vacuum and sweep
March in place at the sink while you do dishes
As you clean, make your movements big and stretch your muscles
do lunges while you clean the bathroom and getting things out of low cabinets
While you pick up the laundry out of the dryer, do a few reps with the laundry basket
Opt to wash your own car. You'll save money on the detail shop and burn calories
If you have stairs in your home, run up and down them as often as you can, leave things on the opposite floor that you know you'll need, that way you'll have to do the stairs to retrieve them
Comment with your suggestions if you have more.
I have a suggestion. Work out at home. Yeah, I'm sure you're thinking, who does this lady think she is. Home workouts aren't new. Well, maybe not the home workouts that you are use to. But the types of ways you can work out at home are endless. They are only limited by your imagination.
The way I am suggesting that you work out at home, incorporates things you do anyway, but with a kick. Here are some examples to kick start your imagination on ways that you can get a workout at home.
Add ankle and/or wrist weights while you vacuum and sweep
March in place at the sink while you do dishes
As you clean, make your movements big and stretch your muscles
do lunges while you clean the bathroom and getting things out of low cabinets
While you pick up the laundry out of the dryer, do a few reps with the laundry basket
Opt to wash your own car. You'll save money on the detail shop and burn calories
If you have stairs in your home, run up and down them as often as you can, leave things on the opposite floor that you know you'll need, that way you'll have to do the stairs to retrieve them
Comment with your suggestions if you have more.
Coach Your Baby Brave
Ever have a child who was afraid to do anything new and fun or even not so fun but necessary? Recently my daughter's dental appointment revealed that she has serious teeth issues in her back molars. She is only four and has no business having four cavities. There is one in each of her back teeth, but the rest of her teeth are perfectly fine. Well, the time came to set up her appointment to have crowns put on those teeth.
She wasn't having it. She wouldn't sit in the chair, lay in the chair, as a matter of fact, she ended up on my lap just for the cleaning. After trying to rationalize why she needed to calm down and stop clinging to me like a monkey baby in the forest, I gave up. The dentist wasn't willing to force the issue either.
So I immediately went into coach mode. I began to remind her of all of the times she had been brave. All the way up until her appointment, I coached her and applauded her for being brave with different things.
She began to tell on her own how brave she was. We'd discuss how brave she'd be when she went back to the dentist. She even started coaching herself. Today was the day we'd find out if the coaching had paid off.
We went to the dentist and she seemed very calm and not worried at all. We made our way back to that special "quiet room" where the terrified kids go so they don't scare the crap out of the rest of the patients.
Well, my baby hopped right up in that dental chair and handled her business like a pro. She chose the "bubble gum flavored nose"(laughing gas). As I sat in the chair in the corner grinning from ear to ear about how brave my little sweety was being, the laughing gas began to kick in. I watched as the dentist shot my baby's jaw with numbing agents and she really didn't feel a thing. WOW!
I kept watching as my daughter began to wave her hand at me as she followed the dentists instructions. She was the perfect patient. She never cried. She didn't try to escape out of the nearby window. She didn't even request that I hold her hand. She is officially brave. So. . .I guess I can add "Coach" to my resume now as well huh?
She wasn't having it. She wouldn't sit in the chair, lay in the chair, as a matter of fact, she ended up on my lap just for the cleaning. After trying to rationalize why she needed to calm down and stop clinging to me like a monkey baby in the forest, I gave up. The dentist wasn't willing to force the issue either.
So I immediately went into coach mode. I began to remind her of all of the times she had been brave. All the way up until her appointment, I coached her and applauded her for being brave with different things.
She began to tell on her own how brave she was. We'd discuss how brave she'd be when she went back to the dentist. She even started coaching herself. Today was the day we'd find out if the coaching had paid off.
We went to the dentist and she seemed very calm and not worried at all. We made our way back to that special "quiet room" where the terrified kids go so they don't scare the crap out of the rest of the patients.
Well, my baby hopped right up in that dental chair and handled her business like a pro. She chose the "bubble gum flavored nose"(laughing gas). As I sat in the chair in the corner grinning from ear to ear about how brave my little sweety was being, the laughing gas began to kick in. I watched as the dentist shot my baby's jaw with numbing agents and she really didn't feel a thing. WOW!
I kept watching as my daughter began to wave her hand at me as she followed the dentists instructions. She was the perfect patient. She never cried. She didn't try to escape out of the nearby window. She didn't even request that I hold her hand. She is officially brave. So. . .I guess I can add "Coach" to my resume now as well huh?
The Man Of Your Dreams
. . . .and your children's dreams too. I'm sure we all have a vision of the man of our dreams. He'll have this type of personality and be this type of caregiver. He'll work in this field or that. But have you considered what you kids think would be the father figure of their dreams? Any man you date and become serious with has the potential for becoming a part of your children's lives. Should their opinions matter? Yes!
Yeah Yeah Yeah. I know, kids are to speak only when spoken to and they do what you say just because you said it and aren't allowed to ask any questions. But the reality is that kids have an innocent filter that allows them to perceive things in people that us tainted adults may not see.
While you may meet a guy and think he is just too nice, your kids may see him as being just patient enough to put up with you and them when things get hectic. I challenge you to ask your children what type of guy they'd like to see you date. You might be surprised to find that they have already got an idea in mind.
I asked my son this question and he had a list. He even told me that he's been noticing people notice me in Wally World and other places. Kids are paying attention even when we are not so it's in our best interest to at least take their thoughts into consideration when we are dating.
Yeah Yeah Yeah. I know, kids are to speak only when spoken to and they do what you say just because you said it and aren't allowed to ask any questions. But the reality is that kids have an innocent filter that allows them to perceive things in people that us tainted adults may not see.
While you may meet a guy and think he is just too nice, your kids may see him as being just patient enough to put up with you and them when things get hectic. I challenge you to ask your children what type of guy they'd like to see you date. You might be surprised to find that they have already got an idea in mind.
I asked my son this question and he had a list. He even told me that he's been noticing people notice me in Wally World and other places. Kids are paying attention even when we are not so it's in our best interest to at least take their thoughts into consideration when we are dating.
Working Less to Have More
So, I'm on a journey to spend more time doing the things that I and my children love. I want to be able to do what we want, when we want, where we want. While most people had dreams of becoming teachers, lawyers, and doctors, by the time I made it to high school, all I wanted to be was a philanthropic socialite. I wanted to throw fabulous events to raise money for worthy causes. Note how actual work was never a part of the equation. So for years I've been trying to figure out how I can do that. Recently I checked out a book from the library entitled
The 4-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss.
When I saw the title I thought, surely this book is about some get rich quick scheme that may or may not work and by the end I'll be convinced to spend some astronomical amount of money that I don't have, to buy into a website that has no real product, but in fact is just the beginning of an information trail to nowhere.
Boy was I wrong. I am in love with the ideology of the book so far. The urge to highlight pages and make notes has forced me to order a copy of my very own. I'll keep you posted. If I have the patience and motivation to follow through, perhaps my VA will post an update for me. Check out the website for the book and see what I'm talking about. I love the challenges that Timothy gives you to complete. If you have read the book and successfully parlayed your life into a shorter work week and are enjoying your time now rather than waiting for retirement or disability to set in, please come chat with me.
The 4-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss.
When I saw the title I thought, surely this book is about some get rich quick scheme that may or may not work and by the end I'll be convinced to spend some astronomical amount of money that I don't have, to buy into a website that has no real product, but in fact is just the beginning of an information trail to nowhere.
Boy was I wrong. I am in love with the ideology of the book so far. The urge to highlight pages and make notes has forced me to order a copy of my very own. I'll keep you posted. If I have the patience and motivation to follow through, perhaps my VA will post an update for me. Check out the website for the book and see what I'm talking about. I love the challenges that Timothy gives you to complete. If you have read the book and successfully parlayed your life into a shorter work week and are enjoying your time now rather than waiting for retirement or disability to set in, please come chat with me.
Me and My Shadow. . .the experience
I saw my shadow tonight. In the dimly lit living room while I worked out I felt so invigorated. I felt like, "Yeah! I'm doing it. No more excuses." I was working it out. The kids were all in bed, the night was quiet and it was just me and my motivation, one on one, taking down the fat. I made sure not to get in front of the blinds because I didn't want to have my neighbors checking out my moves. I stayed in place where my shadow could dance on the wall in the house and not show off to the whole neighborhood. It felt great, just me and my shadow doing the cha cha, feeling the burn as the workout got more and more intense. Here we go, my favorite part, I get to go around and let my eyes meet North, South, East, and West. I get to really get my body moving. Although I couldn't see my shadow, I knew my shadow was feeling good. Getting moving and admiring itself for getting up off the couch always stuck behind me. Then in one turn went my eyes rested on the Western wall of the living room, I saw my shadow. I was petrified. I looked just like I did while I was pregnant. I once admired those curves because it meant that I was carrying life in my womb. Now, these curves scared the living daylights out of me. Instantaneous deflation of all the happy joyous feelings I had for my body. Although I carry my weight well when girded up and tied in, boy does this stuff look different in lycra. Do they make denim workout clothing? Can I just girdle everything up prior to working out? The questions just kept coming firing like an automatic weapon. How did this happen? What have I really been eating? Why didn't anyone wire my jaw shut? Who is that fatty on the wall? All the while I was still working out and staring at that shadow on the wall. We spent the rest of the workout plotting against that person on the wall disgusting themselves as my shadow. We reminisced on the good old days when my shadow was less. . .just less. Now the workout is over and here in the bright light of Vista I feel relieved that I looked at the shadow. If I let it remain in the dark part of the couch under my booty and behind my back, who knows what that shadow would have turned into. Forget No More Sheets. I say No More Mirrors. No more trying to find clever ways to disguise the mess that the shadow has created. No more excuses about how my shadow and I are too tired or have too much other stuff to do. No more. One day we will be together again. . . Me and My Shadow(the real one, because this one I have now is an impostor and I refuse to accept it into my home and feed it and have it laying on the couch with me taking up space)
What Will They Remember?
Last month we discussed the issues surrounding baby daddy/baby mama drama and I spoke about some ways to resolve the drama and issues that the adults have. In this issue, I would like to discuss the children and how they fare in a situation where mommy and daddy are no longer together. Whether you are a single mom or a single dad, you and your children have a special relationship that can’t be understood by anyone who hasn’t experienced it for themselves.
As a product of a single parent home as well as being a single parent myself, I have experienced both sides of the relationship. In my previous article, I pointed out that the welfare of the children is the most important factor to consider when making decisions and when acting or reacting to the decisions of your co-parent. Now let’s look a little deeper into the relationship that you and your child have. Sometimes as single parents, we can get so wrapped up into making things a certain way for our children, that we lose sight of the fact that in order for us to be the best parents we can be, we have to take care of ourselves and really take the time to “be” good parents and role models for our children.
Here are some examples of ways that you can take better care of yourself in order to be the best parent that you can be and to show your children how to grow into responsible well rounded adults.
1. Grooming. I know it seems simple enough but single parents often forego the luxury of making themselves look good so that their children can have the best of the best. While there is nothing wrong with keeping your children looking nice, it is not wise to spend beyond your means and stop taking care of yourselves just to do so. You can rotate buying nice things for your children and yourself. If your shoes have to come from a discount store because your child wants the latest sneaker, then next time, let your shoes come from a store where you can get a quality pair of shoes that won’t have to be replaced after only a few wears. Same goes for clothing and hairstyling. Let your child see that while you make sacrifices so that they can look good, that you also care enough about yourself to want to look and feel your best.
2. Quality Time. Sometimes you just need quality time to yourself. Your children do to. Just imagine how much they are driving you crazy while being cooped up in the house with you. You drive them just as crazy. Take advantage when an opportunity presents itself for you to have some time away from the kids. Start taking grandparents, relatives, and even friends up on their offers to keep the children or to take them off your hands sometimes. If you and your child are comfortable with the person and you are sure that your children will be safe, then let them go. Teach them that while you do love and adore them, that you have an identity of your very own. This will also allow them to begin to form their own identity. When they can build memories and experiences where they didn’t have to hold mommy or daddy’s hand the whole time, it gives them room to grow and something to look forward to.
3. Solid Ground. Have some principles. Don’t get caught up in trying to be the good parent with your kids. Children are smart and it seems with every passing generation, children are getting smarter and smarter. Because children are so smart, they know exactly how to get the most and the best out of their parents. When the kids come back from your co-parent’s home and they tell you of all the sweets they ate, and how late they stayed up and all the big fun they had, enjoy it and be glad that they were wired and hyped up on sugar elsewhere. Let them have that but keep some guidelines in your home for your children to grow up with. Having a solid foundation to build upon teaches your children about responsibility. They will appreciate you for it in the long run. Let’s face it, we all grow up sometime and we get to that point when we begin to sound like our own parents or grandparents and we are glad that we paid attention to the rules that they set forth for us to live by. Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
4. Variety makes great memories. Throw some variety into your life. Don’t get caught up into the grind of life so much that you don’t take the time to enjoy your child and have them enjoy you too. Make silly faces, take your kids to the park and play “with” them instead of reading a book. Go to the museum and parades. Check out your local festivals. Remember how it was when you were a kid. What were your fondest memories? Are you giving your child memories like that? Do things with your child that will stand out in their minds when they are old. Take lots of pictures and make scrapbooks or picture DVD’s so that your children will grow up knowing that while they were living in a single parent home, there was no lack of love and attention.
5. Let them grow. As parents, it is natural to want to protect your children from ever being hurt, either physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, we can’t always do that. When it comes to allowing your child to grow up emotionally, only you can tell when your child is ready to learn some of the ugly truths about life. While it may be easier for you to always “cover” for your co-parent when they don’t come through for the children, it is not necessarily your responsibility to do so. If your co-parent constantly disappoints your child by making promises that never come true or by putting other people or things ahead of the children, then you have to let your child see this on their own. You don’t need to go out of your way to point anything out to your children When they begin to see that their parent who they thought was great for letting them eat ice cream late at night, or for letting them eat out three times a day, really doesn’t come through in times that it matters, you just need to let them process it on their own and support them through it. You don’t need to add your two cents but you should be able to honestly answer any questions or concerns they have.
Once you get the hang of living a life with your children and not living your life through or for your children, you will begin to see that your children appreciate you and the times you spend together and you will also begin to appreciate them more and take them for granted less. When you can actually get the opportunity to miss their little faces because you let them go to a sleepover with their friends, you will look at them differently. Once you can relax into just being mommy or daddy and let go of trying to be supermom or super dad, you can begin to enjoy life and show your children how to do the same. Remember that you are building your child’s memory. Every day that they spend with you will be a memory that may come to mind throughout the rest of their lives. Try your best to make every moment the best.
©Janovia Brooks 2008
As a product of a single parent home as well as being a single parent myself, I have experienced both sides of the relationship. In my previous article, I pointed out that the welfare of the children is the most important factor to consider when making decisions and when acting or reacting to the decisions of your co-parent. Now let’s look a little deeper into the relationship that you and your child have. Sometimes as single parents, we can get so wrapped up into making things a certain way for our children, that we lose sight of the fact that in order for us to be the best parents we can be, we have to take care of ourselves and really take the time to “be” good parents and role models for our children.
Here are some examples of ways that you can take better care of yourself in order to be the best parent that you can be and to show your children how to grow into responsible well rounded adults.
1. Grooming. I know it seems simple enough but single parents often forego the luxury of making themselves look good so that their children can have the best of the best. While there is nothing wrong with keeping your children looking nice, it is not wise to spend beyond your means and stop taking care of yourselves just to do so. You can rotate buying nice things for your children and yourself. If your shoes have to come from a discount store because your child wants the latest sneaker, then next time, let your shoes come from a store where you can get a quality pair of shoes that won’t have to be replaced after only a few wears. Same goes for clothing and hairstyling. Let your child see that while you make sacrifices so that they can look good, that you also care enough about yourself to want to look and feel your best.
2. Quality Time. Sometimes you just need quality time to yourself. Your children do to. Just imagine how much they are driving you crazy while being cooped up in the house with you. You drive them just as crazy. Take advantage when an opportunity presents itself for you to have some time away from the kids. Start taking grandparents, relatives, and even friends up on their offers to keep the children or to take them off your hands sometimes. If you and your child are comfortable with the person and you are sure that your children will be safe, then let them go. Teach them that while you do love and adore them, that you have an identity of your very own. This will also allow them to begin to form their own identity. When they can build memories and experiences where they didn’t have to hold mommy or daddy’s hand the whole time, it gives them room to grow and something to look forward to.
3. Solid Ground. Have some principles. Don’t get caught up in trying to be the good parent with your kids. Children are smart and it seems with every passing generation, children are getting smarter and smarter. Because children are so smart, they know exactly how to get the most and the best out of their parents. When the kids come back from your co-parent’s home and they tell you of all the sweets they ate, and how late they stayed up and all the big fun they had, enjoy it and be glad that they were wired and hyped up on sugar elsewhere. Let them have that but keep some guidelines in your home for your children to grow up with. Having a solid foundation to build upon teaches your children about responsibility. They will appreciate you for it in the long run. Let’s face it, we all grow up sometime and we get to that point when we begin to sound like our own parents or grandparents and we are glad that we paid attention to the rules that they set forth for us to live by. Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
4. Variety makes great memories. Throw some variety into your life. Don’t get caught up into the grind of life so much that you don’t take the time to enjoy your child and have them enjoy you too. Make silly faces, take your kids to the park and play “with” them instead of reading a book. Go to the museum and parades. Check out your local festivals. Remember how it was when you were a kid. What were your fondest memories? Are you giving your child memories like that? Do things with your child that will stand out in their minds when they are old. Take lots of pictures and make scrapbooks or picture DVD’s so that your children will grow up knowing that while they were living in a single parent home, there was no lack of love and attention.
5. Let them grow. As parents, it is natural to want to protect your children from ever being hurt, either physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, we can’t always do that. When it comes to allowing your child to grow up emotionally, only you can tell when your child is ready to learn some of the ugly truths about life. While it may be easier for you to always “cover” for your co-parent when they don’t come through for the children, it is not necessarily your responsibility to do so. If your co-parent constantly disappoints your child by making promises that never come true or by putting other people or things ahead of the children, then you have to let your child see this on their own. You don’t need to go out of your way to point anything out to your children When they begin to see that their parent who they thought was great for letting them eat ice cream late at night, or for letting them eat out three times a day, really doesn’t come through in times that it matters, you just need to let them process it on their own and support them through it. You don’t need to add your two cents but you should be able to honestly answer any questions or concerns they have.
Once you get the hang of living a life with your children and not living your life through or for your children, you will begin to see that your children appreciate you and the times you spend together and you will also begin to appreciate them more and take them for granted less. When you can actually get the opportunity to miss their little faces because you let them go to a sleepover with their friends, you will look at them differently. Once you can relax into just being mommy or daddy and let go of trying to be supermom or super dad, you can begin to enjoy life and show your children how to do the same. Remember that you are building your child’s memory. Every day that they spend with you will be a memory that may come to mind throughout the rest of their lives. Try your best to make every moment the best.
©Janovia Brooks 2008
What Are Your New Year's Restorations?
I know. I know. You thought there was a typo. I don't like the idea of resolutions because resolutions are meant to change the person whom you are into a person that you have never been. Usually resolutions are left in the trash with the empty ice cream carton that you vowed to stay away from. Or they are left hanging on the indoor clothes line, oops, I meant treadmill, right along with the hundreds of dollars worth of workout clothing that you never actually used.
A restoration is something that you have been familiar with. It is getting yourself back to a particular place in your life where you were happy. When was the last time you can say you were happy with yourself? Take a stroll down memory lane and notice how you really felt about yourself both physically and emotionally. What was happening in your life? Who was in your life? How did you treat yourself and how did others treat you?
Now once you start to pinpoint the areas in your life that you are unhappy with and you begin to remember those times when you use to feel happy about those things, take the time to write down what you remember. Take note of the details. How did you wear your hair? What affirmation were you repeating to yourself to get through tough times? How old were you?
Hopefully you will begin to see a pattern of things that led you to stop being happy. Now is when you can get your hands dirty and begin to pull all of those weeds of negativity out of your life and get back to nurturing yourself. Be your own best friend for a while. Learn to depend on yourself to make yourself happy. It could be as simple as picking yourself up some flowers. Paint your toenails. Wash your car. Whatever makes you smile. Smiling is really the first step to restoring yourself to your former happiness.
It may be uncomfortable at first and you may feel silly but tell yourself how good you look. Compliment yourself on the things that you do well for yourself and for other people. Once the world begins to see how you treat yourself, they will take notice and those who want to fall in line with your way will stay, those who don't, will fall away.
A restoration is something that you have been familiar with. It is getting yourself back to a particular place in your life where you were happy. When was the last time you can say you were happy with yourself? Take a stroll down memory lane and notice how you really felt about yourself both physically and emotionally. What was happening in your life? Who was in your life? How did you treat yourself and how did others treat you?
Now once you start to pinpoint the areas in your life that you are unhappy with and you begin to remember those times when you use to feel happy about those things, take the time to write down what you remember. Take note of the details. How did you wear your hair? What affirmation were you repeating to yourself to get through tough times? How old were you?
Hopefully you will begin to see a pattern of things that led you to stop being happy. Now is when you can get your hands dirty and begin to pull all of those weeds of negativity out of your life and get back to nurturing yourself. Be your own best friend for a while. Learn to depend on yourself to make yourself happy. It could be as simple as picking yourself up some flowers. Paint your toenails. Wash your car. Whatever makes you smile. Smiling is really the first step to restoring yourself to your former happiness.
It may be uncomfortable at first and you may feel silly but tell yourself how good you look. Compliment yourself on the things that you do well for yourself and for other people. Once the world begins to see how you treat yourself, they will take notice and those who want to fall in line with your way will stay, those who don't, will fall away.
Sample Budgeting Spreadsheet
As promised, I've posted a followup to Real Budgeting for Real People. Go check out How to Get Rid of Old Debt. For those of you who have gotten started on your budget, way to go. Congratulation, you have taken the first step toward reaching financial freedom. As a bonus, here is a sample spreadsheet that you can create for your budget.
How to Get Rid of Old Debt
I promised that I would get you some information on old debt. Here it is.
As far as handling your debt make a list of ALL your regular ongoing bills on one sheet of paper---rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Hopefully you read my last topic on Real Budgeting for Real People Contact your lenders for your student loans if you have them and find out when you need to start paying. If you can defer it or get a forbearance, then do so, only if you can't afford to pay. Otherwise, make a payment on your student loans one of your regular bills. On another sheet, write down ALL of your old debt. This old debt will include all your credit cards, hospital bills, and such.
Hopefully you have some income so make a spreadsheet and budget all your regular stuff in according to your regular income. Then with what money is left over, start paying off your old debt. Starting with the smallest ones first---Why start with the smallest instead of the biggest? Because those are easier to pay off quicker and will be out of the way plus you'll have practice paying those bills regularly so that when it comes time for the big ones, it wont seem like suck a hard thing to do. It will also help boost your motivation to see something "PAID IN FULL"
Now after you have this all down on paper, see if there are any things that you can cut out of your regular spending or cut back. Check out bundles on phone, internet, cable. That is cheaper than having high bills in multiple places. If you have a car that you're paying off, contact the finance company to see if you can lower your payments(you may be able to especially if you have been good with your payments). To save on groceries clip those coupons. Check out Angel Food Ministries to save a chunk on your groceries.
Find exra sources of income(Avon, babysitting, doing hair/braids on the side, etc.) Use this extra money for those loose ends that you want to handle such as an extra payment on a bill or emergencies.
Notice I didn't say anything about saving. The reason is because while you are hording your money, the interest is still piling up on to your bills. Your money is worth more right now if you use it to pay off debt. You could horde it but then your bills would continue to grow and if you don't pay them, your creditors could snatch your savings too.(((especially the govt.) Do try to start saving three months worth of regular bill money though, in case of layoff/illness/or something else out of your control that may keep you out of work. Put it back a little at a time whenever you can. If you don't trust yourself not to dip into it then let someone hold it for you whom you REALLY TRUST.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you need help with the spreadsheet.
As far as handling your debt make a list of ALL your regular ongoing bills on one sheet of paper---rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Hopefully you read my last topic on Real Budgeting for Real People Contact your lenders for your student loans if you have them and find out when you need to start paying. If you can defer it or get a forbearance, then do so, only if you can't afford to pay. Otherwise, make a payment on your student loans one of your regular bills. On another sheet, write down ALL of your old debt. This old debt will include all your credit cards, hospital bills, and such.
Hopefully you have some income so make a spreadsheet and budget all your regular stuff in according to your regular income. Then with what money is left over, start paying off your old debt. Starting with the smallest ones first---Why start with the smallest instead of the biggest? Because those are easier to pay off quicker and will be out of the way plus you'll have practice paying those bills regularly so that when it comes time for the big ones, it wont seem like suck a hard thing to do. It will also help boost your motivation to see something "PAID IN FULL"
Now after you have this all down on paper, see if there are any things that you can cut out of your regular spending or cut back. Check out bundles on phone, internet, cable. That is cheaper than having high bills in multiple places. If you have a car that you're paying off, contact the finance company to see if you can lower your payments(you may be able to especially if you have been good with your payments). To save on groceries clip those coupons. Check out Angel Food Ministries to save a chunk on your groceries.
Find exra sources of income(Avon, babysitting, doing hair/braids on the side, etc.) Use this extra money for those loose ends that you want to handle such as an extra payment on a bill or emergencies.
Notice I didn't say anything about saving. The reason is because while you are hording your money, the interest is still piling up on to your bills. Your money is worth more right now if you use it to pay off debt. You could horde it but then your bills would continue to grow and if you don't pay them, your creditors could snatch your savings too.(((especially the govt.) Do try to start saving three months worth of regular bill money though, in case of layoff/illness/or something else out of your control that may keep you out of work. Put it back a little at a time whenever you can. If you don't trust yourself not to dip into it then let someone hold it for you whom you REALLY TRUST.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you need help with the spreadsheet.
Real Budgeting for Real People
The task of creating a budget can be a daunting one. Financial planners cost money and a majority of the people who need the help of financial planners are barely making ends meet. Here are some tips for real people who need a budget:
Take your financial picture
Write down ALL your regular bills and their due dates
This will include all utilities, housing, food, gasoline, insurance, etc. . .
Include at lease $40.00 miscellaneous money per week.
Write down ALL your regular income
This will include your job or business, child support, alimony, etc. . . .
Now subtract your bills from your income
If there is anything left over then you are not in the worst position.
If there is a negative balance then find out where you can make cuts.
Now put yourself on a schedule. Out of each paycheck pay whatever bills are DUE within the week. If all your bills are due around the same time then you will need to pay each bill in advance until you get to the last bills which will probably be paid just in time.
Once you get use to your new schedule, you can begin to find creative ways to save and cut your costs. Your household should be run smoothly like a business so wherever you can cut costs, do so.
Now go take your financial picture. Next time I'll discuss how to get rid of old debt
Take your financial picture
Write down ALL your regular bills and their due dates
This will include all utilities, housing, food, gasoline, insurance, etc. . .
Include at lease $40.00 miscellaneous money per week.
Write down ALL your regular income
This will include your job or business, child support, alimony, etc. . . .
Now subtract your bills from your income
If there is anything left over then you are not in the worst position.
If there is a negative balance then find out where you can make cuts.
Now put yourself on a schedule. Out of each paycheck pay whatever bills are DUE within the week. If all your bills are due around the same time then you will need to pay each bill in advance until you get to the last bills which will probably be paid just in time.
Once you get use to your new schedule, you can begin to find creative ways to save and cut your costs. Your household should be run smoothly like a business so wherever you can cut costs, do so.
Now go take your financial picture. Next time I'll discuss how to get rid of old debt
Save the Drama. . .Better yet, let it go!
Problem: baby daddy/baby mama drama
First, recognize that there is a problem. Stop trying to rationalize whose fault it is and recognize that there are children watching. Whether or not you realize it, all of the children involved are watching and may be more aware of the drama than you think. Find a happy medium and stick to it. By doing this, you will show the children how to be an adult in a difficult situation. That doesn’t mean that you have to go along with everything and stay tight lipped about things that you are not in agreement with. Let’s discuss some steps that you can take.
1. Change the name of the game. Instead of calling them your baby daddy/momma or your baby daddy's baby momma, try calling them co-parents. In reality, if you are raising children together you are all co-parenting.
2. Stop bad mouthing your co-parents around the kids. You are degrading the level of respect that the children have for your co-parent as well as the level of respect they have for you. Eventually they will grow up and understand all of the negative things you have said and they may look at you as the bad guy.
3. Make amends. If the relationship is over then let it go. Don’t hold on to negative feelings that stem from the times when you were in a relationship with your co-parent. It will only make you feel bad and in turn you will want your co-parent to feel bad and the cycle will continue with you hurting one another.
4. Say goodbye to the relationship. Although, you may still have some mixed feelings about the relationship and how it played out and how it ultimately ended, you have to say goodbye to the relationship so that you can move on and get back being your normal self. You know what I mean. When you get caught up in a negative break-up, you lose yourself a little. Sometimes you lose yourself a lot. You become a shell of your former self and all your thoughts are focused on a dead relationship. Say goodbye. Write a letter to the relationship. Buy it flowers and then bury it.
5. Focus on the children. When conversations begin to stray to the good old days or “what if” land, get the focus back on the children. There is no need for crying over spilled milk or dwelling in the past. Move on with your lives. And let each other go. It may be very hard at first but it is for the best. If it was meant to be then it would be.
6. Be friends. I know it sounds easier said than done but it’s worth a try. You don’t have to be best buddies but you do need to be able to get along respectfully with one another. That will make it easier to discuss issues about your children when you have differing views. Friends are more likely to cooperate and come to a compromise than enemies.
7. Mind your business. It is not your place to get all up and through your co-parents business about who is in between their sheets or who they are spending time with. The only time you need to be involved is if this person is posing some type of harm or negative influence on your children. Remember what I said before, the children will grow up and they will see for themselves what was dead wrong and what was right on point with both of their parents.
8. Get a life. Take advantage of your free time when the kids are with your co-parent. Stop doing drive by’s in the middle of the night to see who is over at your co-parent’s house. Go out. If your co-parent sees that you are actually not harping on them about how they are when they have the kids, they are more likely to just act right in the first place
9. Pay attention to your kids. Instead of grilling your kids about who was at daddy/mommies house, who called, who cooked, what was in the laundry, and who they were left with, focus on what they enjoyed and what they didn’t enjoy. Notice their mood. Did they really have a good time? Are they upset? This will allow you to be able to discuss the children with your co-parent instead of arguing over the household business. If you can tell your co-parent specifically how the visit affected the kids, the co-parent can correct what needs to be corrected on their own because they know exactly what happened in their own house.
10. Set rules and stick to them. If you have a bedtime at your house, be sure your co-parent will keep the same bedtime and explain to your co-parent that the routine you have at home is good for the children and that they thrive on knowing what comes next and that they have structure. If the kids are cranky when they don’t have a nap, let your co-parent know that when they are with them, that the kids will be easier to manage if they take a nap in the afternoon.
11. Take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself go because you are not with your co-parent. We all wanted a happy family but sometimes things just fall apart. You don’t have to go out of the way to make yourself look overdone but don’t allow your focus on your co-parent’s business be the reason why you look a mess all the time.
12. From Ex to Next. So your co-parent has moved on. So what. Get over it and don’t wish anything on their relationship that you didn’t want on your relationship you had together. Revenge always comes back to you so don’t go out of your way to make the next person miserable because you are bitter. You don’t have to like the person but you do have to respect them. Remember that they don’t know every detail of the relationship you had with your co-parent so they may not have a clue of the drama that could potentially unfold. Be cordial. Get to know them from the standpoint of another person who will possibly have a hand in raising your children. Wish them all well and go find your own NEXT.
Now that you have the steps necessary to free you from your baby daddy/baby mama drama it’s time to get to work. You are parents now and you must make the best out of the situation so that you can raise your children to be responsible enough not to get hemmed up in any baby daddy/baby momma drama. Always remember that your children are watching. If any of you were children of a broken home and had to deal with your parents and how they interacted with one another, draw on those memories. What would you have changed about the way your parents dealt with one another? What did you like about their relationship even though they were not together. Try to make the experience for your children the best situation ever. Give your children good memories. When they look back on your co-parenting years they ought to be able to say mom/dad, you handled that like a champion. Write down what you would like to hear from your kids about how you handled this drama. Once you have written that down, refer to it often and make it happen. Then as your children grow older, ask them questions so that you can find out if you did a good job or not.
First, recognize that there is a problem. Stop trying to rationalize whose fault it is and recognize that there are children watching. Whether or not you realize it, all of the children involved are watching and may be more aware of the drama than you think. Find a happy medium and stick to it. By doing this, you will show the children how to be an adult in a difficult situation. That doesn’t mean that you have to go along with everything and stay tight lipped about things that you are not in agreement with. Let’s discuss some steps that you can take.
1. Change the name of the game. Instead of calling them your baby daddy/momma or your baby daddy's baby momma, try calling them co-parents. In reality, if you are raising children together you are all co-parenting.
2. Stop bad mouthing your co-parents around the kids. You are degrading the level of respect that the children have for your co-parent as well as the level of respect they have for you. Eventually they will grow up and understand all of the negative things you have said and they may look at you as the bad guy.
3. Make amends. If the relationship is over then let it go. Don’t hold on to negative feelings that stem from the times when you were in a relationship with your co-parent. It will only make you feel bad and in turn you will want your co-parent to feel bad and the cycle will continue with you hurting one another.
4. Say goodbye to the relationship. Although, you may still have some mixed feelings about the relationship and how it played out and how it ultimately ended, you have to say goodbye to the relationship so that you can move on and get back being your normal self. You know what I mean. When you get caught up in a negative break-up, you lose yourself a little. Sometimes you lose yourself a lot. You become a shell of your former self and all your thoughts are focused on a dead relationship. Say goodbye. Write a letter to the relationship. Buy it flowers and then bury it.
5. Focus on the children. When conversations begin to stray to the good old days or “what if” land, get the focus back on the children. There is no need for crying over spilled milk or dwelling in the past. Move on with your lives. And let each other go. It may be very hard at first but it is for the best. If it was meant to be then it would be.
6. Be friends. I know it sounds easier said than done but it’s worth a try. You don’t have to be best buddies but you do need to be able to get along respectfully with one another. That will make it easier to discuss issues about your children when you have differing views. Friends are more likely to cooperate and come to a compromise than enemies.
7. Mind your business. It is not your place to get all up and through your co-parents business about who is in between their sheets or who they are spending time with. The only time you need to be involved is if this person is posing some type of harm or negative influence on your children. Remember what I said before, the children will grow up and they will see for themselves what was dead wrong and what was right on point with both of their parents.
8. Get a life. Take advantage of your free time when the kids are with your co-parent. Stop doing drive by’s in the middle of the night to see who is over at your co-parent’s house. Go out. If your co-parent sees that you are actually not harping on them about how they are when they have the kids, they are more likely to just act right in the first place
9. Pay attention to your kids. Instead of grilling your kids about who was at daddy/mommies house, who called, who cooked, what was in the laundry, and who they were left with, focus on what they enjoyed and what they didn’t enjoy. Notice their mood. Did they really have a good time? Are they upset? This will allow you to be able to discuss the children with your co-parent instead of arguing over the household business. If you can tell your co-parent specifically how the visit affected the kids, the co-parent can correct what needs to be corrected on their own because they know exactly what happened in their own house.
10. Set rules and stick to them. If you have a bedtime at your house, be sure your co-parent will keep the same bedtime and explain to your co-parent that the routine you have at home is good for the children and that they thrive on knowing what comes next and that they have structure. If the kids are cranky when they don’t have a nap, let your co-parent know that when they are with them, that the kids will be easier to manage if they take a nap in the afternoon.
11. Take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself go because you are not with your co-parent. We all wanted a happy family but sometimes things just fall apart. You don’t have to go out of the way to make yourself look overdone but don’t allow your focus on your co-parent’s business be the reason why you look a mess all the time.
12. From Ex to Next. So your co-parent has moved on. So what. Get over it and don’t wish anything on their relationship that you didn’t want on your relationship you had together. Revenge always comes back to you so don’t go out of your way to make the next person miserable because you are bitter. You don’t have to like the person but you do have to respect them. Remember that they don’t know every detail of the relationship you had with your co-parent so they may not have a clue of the drama that could potentially unfold. Be cordial. Get to know them from the standpoint of another person who will possibly have a hand in raising your children. Wish them all well and go find your own NEXT.
Now that you have the steps necessary to free you from your baby daddy/baby mama drama it’s time to get to work. You are parents now and you must make the best out of the situation so that you can raise your children to be responsible enough not to get hemmed up in any baby daddy/baby momma drama. Always remember that your children are watching. If any of you were children of a broken home and had to deal with your parents and how they interacted with one another, draw on those memories. What would you have changed about the way your parents dealt with one another? What did you like about their relationship even though they were not together. Try to make the experience for your children the best situation ever. Give your children good memories. When they look back on your co-parenting years they ought to be able to say mom/dad, you handled that like a champion. Write down what you would like to hear from your kids about how you handled this drama. Once you have written that down, refer to it often and make it happen. Then as your children grow older, ask them questions so that you can find out if you did a good job or not.
Embrace thy single self
If you ever truly want to be happy, you need to embrace your single self and enjoy it. Stop worrying about when the next man will come into your life, and for goodness sakes, stop spending every waking moment on husband patrol. That is what I've been learning in the past week. I never realized how dead wrong I was and how much of my energy was put into "the hunt" From now on, I plan to spend more time focused on myself. It sounds selfish right? It is. But if we don't take care of ourselves, then we will not be able to take care of the most important people in our lives. . .our children. So, let's try this together, hug yourself. Tell yourself how wonderful you are and what great company you are. You never know you may have been missing out on one of the best relationships. . .the one with yourself.
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
It's that time of year where tv channels begin to blast your children with the latest trends. The weather threatens your whole families wardrobe into being replaced, heating bills go up and life in general becomes more complicated. How are you going to handle this Holiday season. You can start by writing down the things that you expect to occur. Plan for them so that when things begin to change, you will be prepared. Start gathering some ideas about gifts for your children. Begin to sort through their clothes that are out of season. Make some extra cash and sell them on craigslist or ebay. Have a yard sale before the weather gets too cold. Find ways to incorporate your children into the changes that cooler weather brings. Most people are familiar with spring cleaning, well have you heard of fall cleaning? Have your children go through all of their toys and get rid of all broken items and donate any toys that are still in good condition. Get them in the spirit of giving and at the same time you can make room for the gifts that are sure to come their way. Do the same thing with your kids clothing. Start a clothing swap amongst your family and friends. Pass on clothing that is too small for your own children while collecting things that they can fit from another friend or family member. Prepare your home for the weather change. Make sure your house is insulated properly. Winterize your vehicles. Stock up on winter food staples so that on those cold dreary days, you wont have to run out for anything. Start collecting gifts for the unexpected guests that you are sure to encounter. A small thoughtful gift goes a long way.
First week back to school
It went smoothly. My son likes his new teacher and has mostly the same friends as he did last year in class. This year, my son is in the 3rd grade and wants to fit in with his friends. It is amazing how quickly they grow up and begin to learn about what other people think of them. Although I did get my son a few "popular" items, he understands, or at least he nodded his head, that people should like him for what's inside and not what's outside. How do you teach your kids to love themselves regardless of who else does?
What's a single mother to do?
What is a single mom to do when you have bills and can't find a decent traditional job? For me, it means getting creative and finding alternative ways to make money. I have two toddlers and unfortunately I can't afford to just put them in daycare and go right to work. In my area, daycare costs just as much as the average minimum wage job pays. Try 400+ per month per child. How can a single mother can be tough when you have to find work based upon how much your daycare bill is expected to be.
To fill the void, I have been doing something called ChaCha. It is a home based job and I don't need to worry about daycare because I do it from my computer and I don't have to use the phone. You can go to www.ChaCha.com and sign up to be a guide. For a referral, just send me a message and I will be sure to give you one.
I have also been doing something called MTurk. You can go to www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome to find out more about this. I get to be with my kids and when I am surfing the net on their downtime, I can make money. If you have any other suggestions for single mothers, please let me know.
To fill the void, I have been doing something called ChaCha. It is a home based job and I don't need to worry about daycare because I do it from my computer and I don't have to use the phone. You can go to www.ChaCha.com and sign up to be a guide. For a referral, just send me a message and I will be sure to give you one.
I have also been doing something called MTurk. You can go to www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome to find out more about this. I get to be with my kids and when I am surfing the net on their downtime, I can make money. If you have any other suggestions for single mothers, please let me know.
How do You do it?
How do single mothers do it? That is a question that I find myself asking all the time. How do I do it? The truth is that I really don't know. I do what I have to do in order that my kids survive and have the best childhood that they can have. I hardly get enough sleep, My house gets to be a mess sometimes with toys in every room. Sometimes my kids eat cereal for dinner because that is what they want and I am not in the mood to argue.
Once you become a single mother, by which ever route, there is a type of strength that just builds within you. You can go for hours on just the energy of knowing that you are doing what is best for your family. That may mean running from appointment to school to work to meeting to school to daycare to the gym to the grocery store and then home all within a few hours of sunlight that the day has to offer. Single moms should renamed super moms.
Tell me some stories about how you as a single mom(read Super Mom) do it. Have you ever had one of those awesomely productive days where you got so much accomplished that you just wanted to shake your own hand. Share your stories, maybe we can learn something from you.
Once you become a single mother, by which ever route, there is a type of strength that just builds within you. You can go for hours on just the energy of knowing that you are doing what is best for your family. That may mean running from appointment to school to work to meeting to school to daycare to the gym to the grocery store and then home all within a few hours of sunlight that the day has to offer. Single moms should renamed super moms.
Tell me some stories about how you as a single mom(read Super Mom) do it. Have you ever had one of those awesomely productive days where you got so much accomplished that you just wanted to shake your own hand. Share your stories, maybe we can learn something from you.
Back to School Tips
With school just around the corner, many parents are scrambling to take care of the last minute needs and wants of our students. There are ways to get help with the school supply lists that need to be fulfilled. Many churches and community centers sponsor events in which they donate supplies to children in the community. Check your local community center and churches to find out if there is anything going on in your area. As far as purchasing school clothing, less can be more. While new clothes are always nice, you can teach your children the value of a dollar as well as teach them that school is not a fashion show, but a place to learn. You can do this by shopping in stores like TJMaxx, Ross and Marshalls for fashionable clothing at a huge discount off the MSRP. For basic staples like solid tee shirts, socks, and dress shirts you can shop at big box stores such as Wal Mart, Target and KMart. These stores offer the bulk value. For things that are bound to get stained and ripped, you can purchase more for less. Good luck getting ready for back to school. Got more tips? Come share with us at Single Moms Together
It takes a village
It's true, that it takes a village to raise a child. But when you are a single parent it can feel like you are the village all by yourself. Welcome to Single Moms Together. Here we can share tips and information on raising healthy happy children in our single parent homes. While it is beneficial for children to grow up in a home with both of their parents, many of us are faced with raising our kids by ourselves. Whether that was by choice or due to circumstances(either controllable or uncontrollable), we have to make things work. For the sake of our children and our our own sanity, we need the help of the village and Single Moms Together is that village.
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