I know. I know. You thought there was a typo. I don't like the idea of resolutions because resolutions are meant to change the person whom you are into a person that you have never been. Usually resolutions are left in the trash with the empty ice cream carton that you vowed to stay away from. Or they are left hanging on the indoor clothes line, oops, I meant treadmill, right along with the hundreds of dollars worth of workout clothing that you never actually used.
A restoration is something that you have been familiar with. It is getting yourself back to a particular place in your life where you were happy. When was the last time you can say you were happy with yourself? Take a stroll down memory lane and notice how you really felt about yourself both physically and emotionally. What was happening in your life? Who was in your life? How did you treat yourself and how did others treat you?
Now once you start to pinpoint the areas in your life that you are unhappy with and you begin to remember those times when you use to feel happy about those things, take the time to write down what you remember. Take note of the details. How did you wear your hair? What affirmation were you repeating to yourself to get through tough times? How old were you?
Hopefully you will begin to see a pattern of things that led you to stop being happy. Now is when you can get your hands dirty and begin to pull all of those weeds of negativity out of your life and get back to nurturing yourself. Be your own best friend for a while. Learn to depend on yourself to make yourself happy. It could be as simple as picking yourself up some flowers. Paint your toenails. Wash your car. Whatever makes you smile. Smiling is really the first step to restoring yourself to your former happiness.
It may be uncomfortable at first and you may feel silly but tell yourself how good you look. Compliment yourself on the things that you do well for yourself and for other people. Once the world begins to see how you treat yourself, they will take notice and those who want to fall in line with your way will stay, those who don't, will fall away.
Raising kids, one parent at a time.
Sample Budgeting Spreadsheet
As promised, I've posted a followup to Real Budgeting for Real People. Go check out How to Get Rid of Old Debt. For those of you who have gotten started on your budget, way to go. Congratulation, you have taken the first step toward reaching financial freedom. As a bonus, here is a sample spreadsheet that you can create for your budget.
How to Get Rid of Old Debt
I promised that I would get you some information on old debt. Here it is.
As far as handling your debt make a list of ALL your regular ongoing bills on one sheet of paper---rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Hopefully you read my last topic on Real Budgeting for Real People Contact your lenders for your student loans if you have them and find out when you need to start paying. If you can defer it or get a forbearance, then do so, only if you can't afford to pay. Otherwise, make a payment on your student loans one of your regular bills. On another sheet, write down ALL of your old debt. This old debt will include all your credit cards, hospital bills, and such.
Hopefully you have some income so make a spreadsheet and budget all your regular stuff in according to your regular income. Then with what money is left over, start paying off your old debt. Starting with the smallest ones first---Why start with the smallest instead of the biggest? Because those are easier to pay off quicker and will be out of the way plus you'll have practice paying those bills regularly so that when it comes time for the big ones, it wont seem like suck a hard thing to do. It will also help boost your motivation to see something "PAID IN FULL"
Now after you have this all down on paper, see if there are any things that you can cut out of your regular spending or cut back. Check out bundles on phone, internet, cable. That is cheaper than having high bills in multiple places. If you have a car that you're paying off, contact the finance company to see if you can lower your payments(you may be able to especially if you have been good with your payments). To save on groceries clip those coupons. Check out Angel Food Ministries to save a chunk on your groceries.
Find exra sources of income(Avon, babysitting, doing hair/braids on the side, etc.) Use this extra money for those loose ends that you want to handle such as an extra payment on a bill or emergencies.
Notice I didn't say anything about saving. The reason is because while you are hording your money, the interest is still piling up on to your bills. Your money is worth more right now if you use it to pay off debt. You could horde it but then your bills would continue to grow and if you don't pay them, your creditors could snatch your savings too.(((especially the govt.) Do try to start saving three months worth of regular bill money though, in case of layoff/illness/or something else out of your control that may keep you out of work. Put it back a little at a time whenever you can. If you don't trust yourself not to dip into it then let someone hold it for you whom you REALLY TRUST.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you need help with the spreadsheet.
As far as handling your debt make a list of ALL your regular ongoing bills on one sheet of paper---rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Hopefully you read my last topic on Real Budgeting for Real People Contact your lenders for your student loans if you have them and find out when you need to start paying. If you can defer it or get a forbearance, then do so, only if you can't afford to pay. Otherwise, make a payment on your student loans one of your regular bills. On another sheet, write down ALL of your old debt. This old debt will include all your credit cards, hospital bills, and such.
Hopefully you have some income so make a spreadsheet and budget all your regular stuff in according to your regular income. Then with what money is left over, start paying off your old debt. Starting with the smallest ones first---Why start with the smallest instead of the biggest? Because those are easier to pay off quicker and will be out of the way plus you'll have practice paying those bills regularly so that when it comes time for the big ones, it wont seem like suck a hard thing to do. It will also help boost your motivation to see something "PAID IN FULL"
Now after you have this all down on paper, see if there are any things that you can cut out of your regular spending or cut back. Check out bundles on phone, internet, cable. That is cheaper than having high bills in multiple places. If you have a car that you're paying off, contact the finance company to see if you can lower your payments(you may be able to especially if you have been good with your payments). To save on groceries clip those coupons. Check out Angel Food Ministries to save a chunk on your groceries.
Find exra sources of income(Avon, babysitting, doing hair/braids on the side, etc.) Use this extra money for those loose ends that you want to handle such as an extra payment on a bill or emergencies.
Notice I didn't say anything about saving. The reason is because while you are hording your money, the interest is still piling up on to your bills. Your money is worth more right now if you use it to pay off debt. You could horde it but then your bills would continue to grow and if you don't pay them, your creditors could snatch your savings too.(((especially the govt.) Do try to start saving three months worth of regular bill money though, in case of layoff/illness/or something else out of your control that may keep you out of work. Put it back a little at a time whenever you can. If you don't trust yourself not to dip into it then let someone hold it for you whom you REALLY TRUST.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you need help with the spreadsheet.
Real Budgeting for Real People
The task of creating a budget can be a daunting one. Financial planners cost money and a majority of the people who need the help of financial planners are barely making ends meet. Here are some tips for real people who need a budget:
Take your financial picture
Write down ALL your regular bills and their due dates
This will include all utilities, housing, food, gasoline, insurance, etc. . .
Include at lease $40.00 miscellaneous money per week.
Write down ALL your regular income
This will include your job or business, child support, alimony, etc. . . .
Now subtract your bills from your income
If there is anything left over then you are not in the worst position.
If there is a negative balance then find out where you can make cuts.
Now put yourself on a schedule. Out of each paycheck pay whatever bills are DUE within the week. If all your bills are due around the same time then you will need to pay each bill in advance until you get to the last bills which will probably be paid just in time.
Once you get use to your new schedule, you can begin to find creative ways to save and cut your costs. Your household should be run smoothly like a business so wherever you can cut costs, do so.
Now go take your financial picture. Next time I'll discuss how to get rid of old debt
Take your financial picture
Write down ALL your regular bills and their due dates
This will include all utilities, housing, food, gasoline, insurance, etc. . .
Include at lease $40.00 miscellaneous money per week.
Write down ALL your regular income
This will include your job or business, child support, alimony, etc. . . .
Now subtract your bills from your income
If there is anything left over then you are not in the worst position.
If there is a negative balance then find out where you can make cuts.
Now put yourself on a schedule. Out of each paycheck pay whatever bills are DUE within the week. If all your bills are due around the same time then you will need to pay each bill in advance until you get to the last bills which will probably be paid just in time.
Once you get use to your new schedule, you can begin to find creative ways to save and cut your costs. Your household should be run smoothly like a business so wherever you can cut costs, do so.
Now go take your financial picture. Next time I'll discuss how to get rid of old debt
Save the Drama. . .Better yet, let it go!
Problem: baby daddy/baby mama drama
First, recognize that there is a problem. Stop trying to rationalize whose fault it is and recognize that there are children watching. Whether or not you realize it, all of the children involved are watching and may be more aware of the drama than you think. Find a happy medium and stick to it. By doing this, you will show the children how to be an adult in a difficult situation. That doesn’t mean that you have to go along with everything and stay tight lipped about things that you are not in agreement with. Let’s discuss some steps that you can take.
1. Change the name of the game. Instead of calling them your baby daddy/momma or your baby daddy's baby momma, try calling them co-parents. In reality, if you are raising children together you are all co-parenting.
2. Stop bad mouthing your co-parents around the kids. You are degrading the level of respect that the children have for your co-parent as well as the level of respect they have for you. Eventually they will grow up and understand all of the negative things you have said and they may look at you as the bad guy.
3. Make amends. If the relationship is over then let it go. Don’t hold on to negative feelings that stem from the times when you were in a relationship with your co-parent. It will only make you feel bad and in turn you will want your co-parent to feel bad and the cycle will continue with you hurting one another.
4. Say goodbye to the relationship. Although, you may still have some mixed feelings about the relationship and how it played out and how it ultimately ended, you have to say goodbye to the relationship so that you can move on and get back being your normal self. You know what I mean. When you get caught up in a negative break-up, you lose yourself a little. Sometimes you lose yourself a lot. You become a shell of your former self and all your thoughts are focused on a dead relationship. Say goodbye. Write a letter to the relationship. Buy it flowers and then bury it.
5. Focus on the children. When conversations begin to stray to the good old days or “what if” land, get the focus back on the children. There is no need for crying over spilled milk or dwelling in the past. Move on with your lives. And let each other go. It may be very hard at first but it is for the best. If it was meant to be then it would be.
6. Be friends. I know it sounds easier said than done but it’s worth a try. You don’t have to be best buddies but you do need to be able to get along respectfully with one another. That will make it easier to discuss issues about your children when you have differing views. Friends are more likely to cooperate and come to a compromise than enemies.
7. Mind your business. It is not your place to get all up and through your co-parents business about who is in between their sheets or who they are spending time with. The only time you need to be involved is if this person is posing some type of harm or negative influence on your children. Remember what I said before, the children will grow up and they will see for themselves what was dead wrong and what was right on point with both of their parents.
8. Get a life. Take advantage of your free time when the kids are with your co-parent. Stop doing drive by’s in the middle of the night to see who is over at your co-parent’s house. Go out. If your co-parent sees that you are actually not harping on them about how they are when they have the kids, they are more likely to just act right in the first place
9. Pay attention to your kids. Instead of grilling your kids about who was at daddy/mommies house, who called, who cooked, what was in the laundry, and who they were left with, focus on what they enjoyed and what they didn’t enjoy. Notice their mood. Did they really have a good time? Are they upset? This will allow you to be able to discuss the children with your co-parent instead of arguing over the household business. If you can tell your co-parent specifically how the visit affected the kids, the co-parent can correct what needs to be corrected on their own because they know exactly what happened in their own house.
10. Set rules and stick to them. If you have a bedtime at your house, be sure your co-parent will keep the same bedtime and explain to your co-parent that the routine you have at home is good for the children and that they thrive on knowing what comes next and that they have structure. If the kids are cranky when they don’t have a nap, let your co-parent know that when they are with them, that the kids will be easier to manage if they take a nap in the afternoon.
11. Take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself go because you are not with your co-parent. We all wanted a happy family but sometimes things just fall apart. You don’t have to go out of the way to make yourself look overdone but don’t allow your focus on your co-parent’s business be the reason why you look a mess all the time.
12. From Ex to Next. So your co-parent has moved on. So what. Get over it and don’t wish anything on their relationship that you didn’t want on your relationship you had together. Revenge always comes back to you so don’t go out of your way to make the next person miserable because you are bitter. You don’t have to like the person but you do have to respect them. Remember that they don’t know every detail of the relationship you had with your co-parent so they may not have a clue of the drama that could potentially unfold. Be cordial. Get to know them from the standpoint of another person who will possibly have a hand in raising your children. Wish them all well and go find your own NEXT.
Now that you have the steps necessary to free you from your baby daddy/baby mama drama it’s time to get to work. You are parents now and you must make the best out of the situation so that you can raise your children to be responsible enough not to get hemmed up in any baby daddy/baby momma drama. Always remember that your children are watching. If any of you were children of a broken home and had to deal with your parents and how they interacted with one another, draw on those memories. What would you have changed about the way your parents dealt with one another? What did you like about their relationship even though they were not together. Try to make the experience for your children the best situation ever. Give your children good memories. When they look back on your co-parenting years they ought to be able to say mom/dad, you handled that like a champion. Write down what you would like to hear from your kids about how you handled this drama. Once you have written that down, refer to it often and make it happen. Then as your children grow older, ask them questions so that you can find out if you did a good job or not.
First, recognize that there is a problem. Stop trying to rationalize whose fault it is and recognize that there are children watching. Whether or not you realize it, all of the children involved are watching and may be more aware of the drama than you think. Find a happy medium and stick to it. By doing this, you will show the children how to be an adult in a difficult situation. That doesn’t mean that you have to go along with everything and stay tight lipped about things that you are not in agreement with. Let’s discuss some steps that you can take.
1. Change the name of the game. Instead of calling them your baby daddy/momma or your baby daddy's baby momma, try calling them co-parents. In reality, if you are raising children together you are all co-parenting.
2. Stop bad mouthing your co-parents around the kids. You are degrading the level of respect that the children have for your co-parent as well as the level of respect they have for you. Eventually they will grow up and understand all of the negative things you have said and they may look at you as the bad guy.
3. Make amends. If the relationship is over then let it go. Don’t hold on to negative feelings that stem from the times when you were in a relationship with your co-parent. It will only make you feel bad and in turn you will want your co-parent to feel bad and the cycle will continue with you hurting one another.
4. Say goodbye to the relationship. Although, you may still have some mixed feelings about the relationship and how it played out and how it ultimately ended, you have to say goodbye to the relationship so that you can move on and get back being your normal self. You know what I mean. When you get caught up in a negative break-up, you lose yourself a little. Sometimes you lose yourself a lot. You become a shell of your former self and all your thoughts are focused on a dead relationship. Say goodbye. Write a letter to the relationship. Buy it flowers and then bury it.
5. Focus on the children. When conversations begin to stray to the good old days or “what if” land, get the focus back on the children. There is no need for crying over spilled milk or dwelling in the past. Move on with your lives. And let each other go. It may be very hard at first but it is for the best. If it was meant to be then it would be.
6. Be friends. I know it sounds easier said than done but it’s worth a try. You don’t have to be best buddies but you do need to be able to get along respectfully with one another. That will make it easier to discuss issues about your children when you have differing views. Friends are more likely to cooperate and come to a compromise than enemies.
7. Mind your business. It is not your place to get all up and through your co-parents business about who is in between their sheets or who they are spending time with. The only time you need to be involved is if this person is posing some type of harm or negative influence on your children. Remember what I said before, the children will grow up and they will see for themselves what was dead wrong and what was right on point with both of their parents.
8. Get a life. Take advantage of your free time when the kids are with your co-parent. Stop doing drive by’s in the middle of the night to see who is over at your co-parent’s house. Go out. If your co-parent sees that you are actually not harping on them about how they are when they have the kids, they are more likely to just act right in the first place
9. Pay attention to your kids. Instead of grilling your kids about who was at daddy/mommies house, who called, who cooked, what was in the laundry, and who they were left with, focus on what they enjoyed and what they didn’t enjoy. Notice their mood. Did they really have a good time? Are they upset? This will allow you to be able to discuss the children with your co-parent instead of arguing over the household business. If you can tell your co-parent specifically how the visit affected the kids, the co-parent can correct what needs to be corrected on their own because they know exactly what happened in their own house.
10. Set rules and stick to them. If you have a bedtime at your house, be sure your co-parent will keep the same bedtime and explain to your co-parent that the routine you have at home is good for the children and that they thrive on knowing what comes next and that they have structure. If the kids are cranky when they don’t have a nap, let your co-parent know that when they are with them, that the kids will be easier to manage if they take a nap in the afternoon.
11. Take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself go because you are not with your co-parent. We all wanted a happy family but sometimes things just fall apart. You don’t have to go out of the way to make yourself look overdone but don’t allow your focus on your co-parent’s business be the reason why you look a mess all the time.
12. From Ex to Next. So your co-parent has moved on. So what. Get over it and don’t wish anything on their relationship that you didn’t want on your relationship you had together. Revenge always comes back to you so don’t go out of your way to make the next person miserable because you are bitter. You don’t have to like the person but you do have to respect them. Remember that they don’t know every detail of the relationship you had with your co-parent so they may not have a clue of the drama that could potentially unfold. Be cordial. Get to know them from the standpoint of another person who will possibly have a hand in raising your children. Wish them all well and go find your own NEXT.
Now that you have the steps necessary to free you from your baby daddy/baby mama drama it’s time to get to work. You are parents now and you must make the best out of the situation so that you can raise your children to be responsible enough not to get hemmed up in any baby daddy/baby momma drama. Always remember that your children are watching. If any of you were children of a broken home and had to deal with your parents and how they interacted with one another, draw on those memories. What would you have changed about the way your parents dealt with one another? What did you like about their relationship even though they were not together. Try to make the experience for your children the best situation ever. Give your children good memories. When they look back on your co-parenting years they ought to be able to say mom/dad, you handled that like a champion. Write down what you would like to hear from your kids about how you handled this drama. Once you have written that down, refer to it often and make it happen. Then as your children grow older, ask them questions so that you can find out if you did a good job or not.
Embrace thy single self
If you ever truly want to be happy, you need to embrace your single self and enjoy it. Stop worrying about when the next man will come into your life, and for goodness sakes, stop spending every waking moment on husband patrol. That is what I've been learning in the past week. I never realized how dead wrong I was and how much of my energy was put into "the hunt" From now on, I plan to spend more time focused on myself. It sounds selfish right? It is. But if we don't take care of ourselves, then we will not be able to take care of the most important people in our lives. . .our children. So, let's try this together, hug yourself. Tell yourself how wonderful you are and what great company you are. You never know you may have been missing out on one of the best relationships. . .the one with yourself.
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
It's that time of year where tv channels begin to blast your children with the latest trends. The weather threatens your whole families wardrobe into being replaced, heating bills go up and life in general becomes more complicated. How are you going to handle this Holiday season. You can start by writing down the things that you expect to occur. Plan for them so that when things begin to change, you will be prepared. Start gathering some ideas about gifts for your children. Begin to sort through their clothes that are out of season. Make some extra cash and sell them on craigslist or ebay. Have a yard sale before the weather gets too cold. Find ways to incorporate your children into the changes that cooler weather brings. Most people are familiar with spring cleaning, well have you heard of fall cleaning? Have your children go through all of their toys and get rid of all broken items and donate any toys that are still in good condition. Get them in the spirit of giving and at the same time you can make room for the gifts that are sure to come their way. Do the same thing with your kids clothing. Start a clothing swap amongst your family and friends. Pass on clothing that is too small for your own children while collecting things that they can fit from another friend or family member. Prepare your home for the weather change. Make sure your house is insulated properly. Winterize your vehicles. Stock up on winter food staples so that on those cold dreary days, you wont have to run out for anything. Start collecting gifts for the unexpected guests that you are sure to encounter. A small thoughtful gift goes a long way.
First week back to school
It went smoothly. My son likes his new teacher and has mostly the same friends as he did last year in class. This year, my son is in the 3rd grade and wants to fit in with his friends. It is amazing how quickly they grow up and begin to learn about what other people think of them. Although I did get my son a few "popular" items, he understands, or at least he nodded his head, that people should like him for what's inside and not what's outside. How do you teach your kids to love themselves regardless of who else does?
What's a single mother to do?
What is a single mom to do when you have bills and can't find a decent traditional job? For me, it means getting creative and finding alternative ways to make money. I have two toddlers and unfortunately I can't afford to just put them in daycare and go right to work. In my area, daycare costs just as much as the average minimum wage job pays. Try 400+ per month per child. How can a single mother can be tough when you have to find work based upon how much your daycare bill is expected to be.
To fill the void, I have been doing something called ChaCha. It is a home based job and I don't need to worry about daycare because I do it from my computer and I don't have to use the phone. You can go to www.ChaCha.com and sign up to be a guide. For a referral, just send me a message and I will be sure to give you one.
I have also been doing something called MTurk. You can go to www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome to find out more about this. I get to be with my kids and when I am surfing the net on their downtime, I can make money. If you have any other suggestions for single mothers, please let me know.
To fill the void, I have been doing something called ChaCha. It is a home based job and I don't need to worry about daycare because I do it from my computer and I don't have to use the phone. You can go to www.ChaCha.com and sign up to be a guide. For a referral, just send me a message and I will be sure to give you one.
I have also been doing something called MTurk. You can go to www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome to find out more about this. I get to be with my kids and when I am surfing the net on their downtime, I can make money. If you have any other suggestions for single mothers, please let me know.
How do You do it?
How do single mothers do it? That is a question that I find myself asking all the time. How do I do it? The truth is that I really don't know. I do what I have to do in order that my kids survive and have the best childhood that they can have. I hardly get enough sleep, My house gets to be a mess sometimes with toys in every room. Sometimes my kids eat cereal for dinner because that is what they want and I am not in the mood to argue.
Once you become a single mother, by which ever route, there is a type of strength that just builds within you. You can go for hours on just the energy of knowing that you are doing what is best for your family. That may mean running from appointment to school to work to meeting to school to daycare to the gym to the grocery store and then home all within a few hours of sunlight that the day has to offer. Single moms should renamed super moms.
Tell me some stories about how you as a single mom(read Super Mom) do it. Have you ever had one of those awesomely productive days where you got so much accomplished that you just wanted to shake your own hand. Share your stories, maybe we can learn something from you.
Once you become a single mother, by which ever route, there is a type of strength that just builds within you. You can go for hours on just the energy of knowing that you are doing what is best for your family. That may mean running from appointment to school to work to meeting to school to daycare to the gym to the grocery store and then home all within a few hours of sunlight that the day has to offer. Single moms should renamed super moms.
Tell me some stories about how you as a single mom(read Super Mom) do it. Have you ever had one of those awesomely productive days where you got so much accomplished that you just wanted to shake your own hand. Share your stories, maybe we can learn something from you.
Back to School Tips
With school just around the corner, many parents are scrambling to take care of the last minute needs and wants of our students. There are ways to get help with the school supply lists that need to be fulfilled. Many churches and community centers sponsor events in which they donate supplies to children in the community. Check your local community center and churches to find out if there is anything going on in your area. As far as purchasing school clothing, less can be more. While new clothes are always nice, you can teach your children the value of a dollar as well as teach them that school is not a fashion show, but a place to learn. You can do this by shopping in stores like TJMaxx, Ross and Marshalls for fashionable clothing at a huge discount off the MSRP. For basic staples like solid tee shirts, socks, and dress shirts you can shop at big box stores such as Wal Mart, Target and KMart. These stores offer the bulk value. For things that are bound to get stained and ripped, you can purchase more for less. Good luck getting ready for back to school. Got more tips? Come share with us at Single Moms Together
It takes a village
It's true, that it takes a village to raise a child. But when you are a single parent it can feel like you are the village all by yourself. Welcome to Single Moms Together. Here we can share tips and information on raising healthy happy children in our single parent homes. While it is beneficial for children to grow up in a home with both of their parents, many of us are faced with raising our kids by ourselves. Whether that was by choice or due to circumstances(either controllable or uncontrollable), we have to make things work. For the sake of our children and our our own sanity, we need the help of the village and Single Moms Together is that village.
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